The "Experience"

I am shamelessly stealing this post title from Nickie Vega of the blog, Random Musings.  During and after my time with a pathological and his insane asylum clan, I always used the descriptive general heading of "the ordeal"to categorize my trek into Hades,  like some grand period of time designation such as "Jurassic."  This might not be too far off the mark because this little adventure into awareness has indeed been part of a most unusual evolutionary process.

Do you remember the old joke about the young man going to his pastor to tell him that he had lost his faith and didn't know what to do?  The minister replies that the fellow had only lost his parents' concept of faith and now he must go out and find his own.  This, in a nutshell, has been my rite of passage coming from direct observation and participation in conscious events.  For me, the "parents" were the old ideas and beliefs I held, for many reasons running from childhood perceptions to understanding of the "Christian ethic."

This particular stage of growth has proven fertile with high drama and angst.  If any need refresher data on just what this land of the bizarre  looked like, it is colorfully described in Betty LaLuna's blog, Narc Raider, or my small work, Life in the Aftermath of a Narcissist.

I once blithely espoused that we totally create our lives like an Ursala Le Guin novel...tra la.... From this happily tripping child through the field of flowers, I hit much despair and wondered if there were God out and about.

"Yes, Virginia," He is ....whatever one believes the power of this energy to be, He Is..and He's still there.  Oddly and wonderfully, but without naiveté, I have climbed through the veils of this path of life to recognize so many miracles.  Why the need to join the traveling circus from another planet?

My personal theory is that I needed to know - just as in my fantasies of being a "warrior of the Light" - that there is more to me than the circumstances of any moment.  The song from "Funny Girl" comes to mind.  Not in the sense of a lover as felt in Fanny Bryce's singing question, but as the "me" spanning space and time, with new awareness.

"Who are you now ,

Now that you're mine?

Are you something more than you were before?

...I know I'm better, braver, and surer, too.

Who are you now?"

Let's see....

Inspiration coupled with Appreciation

                                         "Take me as I am" - from the musical, "Jekyll and Hyde":

           "Sometimes I see past the horizon, sure of my way, where I am going...

But where's the prize I have my eyes on? Where?

There is just no knowing!"

Life has a way of treating its participants to sign posts and awakenings along the path.  My own trek had some bumps, but I was, on the whole, a believer in New Age types of ideas...coupled with my religious views.  Growing in a home where intellect was more a religious bent than any highway into faithful devotion to formatted doctrine, I rolled along with the currents of experiences.  Direct observations and interacting participation must have presented too quiet and excitement-free a branch of reality for God and this universe.  I cannot help but feel these commonalities exude a sense of humor and appreciation for the rather precarious balancing act between awareness and attitude of us mortal beings.

Amidst my peaceful attitudes and rather happy-dappy take on just how to create my life, a huge hiccup on the time continuum developed.  This manifested as time with a spouse and his taker-clan that I identified as existing on the continuum of narcissism to psychopathy.  There was a time that I might have suggested the identification was unnecessary.  Now, I would express that perspective IS important.

The mental diet I have undertaken became ignited by the thoughts of Napoleon Hill and Emmet Fox.  This mental view represents more a doorway to self realization than regurgitating ideals and guidelines determined by others.  The quest has become "just what do I believe" and "can I earnestly take a stand as me" without requiring the agreement of others?  It's a bit like stepping from one staircase onto another one - without needing to explain or even understand the chasm between the two.

Of course, the wonderful world of communication and camaraderie opens the desire for harmoniously working on a cooperative system of experiencing life moments.  However, the paradigm reminds me of a concept: we have accepted that certain aspects of our reality simply are - such as grass being green.  But, what green looks like to each of us might be fantastically and totally unlike in quality.

Maybe there is a shift taking place or even worlds colliding.  I see and feel for myself that I am not of the ethereal dwellers where one can postulate an exsitence of choice into the here and now.  Nor am I a bottom dweller of the least productive domain of sychophantic presences.  My niche is somewhere inbetween. There was a chronological segment - under tutelage of Scientology family members - in which I could recite the hierarchy of "wellness" from the lower realms to the echelon of serenity.  The boarding pass to my moment today is the acceptance of an intertwining accountability with luck or serendipity.  I am aware that a contract has come into play.  And, in this bond there exists an acceptable delineation of permissible ego-strutting along with a higher calling of goodness, decency, and ethics.

Focus is such a fascinating window.  I have come to know within my own intuitive processes that I can only undertake one direction of intent at a time for success.  My desire subsists to execute my presence as a professional writer.  A work in progress, to be sure.  In the meantime, I operate a small residential cleaning service to put food on the table.  This is the tricky part - keeping the convergence of thought on the dream while giving productively and generously to the present moment's work.  The surprise paints itself as the actuality of both being possible.  Both are extensions of who I am and the being I wish to be.

Going the extra mile is part of this mental diet while creating and maintaining boundaries.  Perhaps this choice of experiences can soar as each of us discovers that we are much greater than we ever dreamed - with the low's and high's.  The story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde has spawned a delightful musical version of the tale.

This is the moment,

this is the day

when I send all my doubts 

and demons on their way.

Every endeavor I have made - ever - is 

coming into play,

is here and now today!

...Give me this moment

this precious chance -

I'll gather up my past and

make some sense at last.

When I look back I will always recall -

moment for moment, this was the moment,

The greatest moment of them all."